Bad joke

Max, standing right next to me pees all over the toilet. needless to say he got in a little bit of trouble.

After a lecture from me, he goes downstairs and apologizes to Jeff who had to clean it up.

Max: I am sorry I peed on the potty and not IN the potty.

Jeff: Why did you do that?

Max: (shrugs) Well, I was just trying to be funny.

Things that are True

Max is playing upstairs. Jeff and I are just having our coffee...

"MOM, DAD, I GOT VOMIT!!!"

Sure enough. He did have vomit.

He knows how to get things done.

Max: dad I want some chocolate milk.

Jeff: Okay in a minute.

Max: dad I found your watch!

Jeff: Thanks Max (reaches for the watch)

Max: (pulling away watch) you can have it when I get my chocolate milk.

Updated from my phone by hudson.... part two

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updated from my phone by hudson.... part one

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birthday wish list

I some how convinced Max to give me the time of day during cake.

I asked him what he wanted for his birthday.

Max: (EXCITED) I want the toy shopping cart at Target!!

(suddenly remembering that shopping trip. sad)But dad said I can't have it.

Me: (knowing why)why can't you have it?

Max: (heavy sigh) because I ran away in the store and I got in trouble. (pouty lip quiver) so, I guess I won't get anything for my birthday.

Me: oh sure you will. What else do you want for your birthday? let's make a birthday list.

(I write the list silently, apparently Max was worried that I'd get confused.)

The list:

* A BIG toy lion. It's not a real lion, but it is a big toy.

* A big toy elephant. But not a real one, just a toy one.

* A little toy airplane. Red. And blue... Red and blue with a flag on the top.

* A little toy race car. I want it blue. Not a real one. A toy.

* A toy princess with a red face and a blue dress.

and a strawberryvanillacake birthday cake.

so, armed with this list I'll shop this week.

Hopefully I can remember that he wanted the big toy lion, not the real one.

dissed.

Having cake... Mom is hoping to bond after a rough evening.
"so what did you do with nana and papa today?"
"um, lets just eat our cake."

More bathroom fun.

This is a belated post.

Max comes out of the bathroom laughing.

Max: I peed in the cat box!

Me: Max, don't do that. (not the first time)

Max: But (laughing... here comes the punchline!) I thought I was a cat!!

Things that are True

A friend told me this story. Funny the things you find out about your kids.

First of all, I had no idea he knew what marbles were.

Max: Why are you wearing marbles around your neck?

Alex: Well, they beads and they are actually made of wood.

Max: Wood beads? Oh. (beat) I have a car, it's made of plastic.

Alex: Oh!

Max: And I'm Max. And I am made of person.

this is going to be difficult.

Max: I want peas with NO vegetables!

Max jumped on my lap, gave me a smile and said "mommy, you are a beauuuutiful person!"

update

(Max goes to the bathroom by himself... forgets to turn off the light)

Jeff: Don't forget to turn off the light.

Max: (yelling from in the bathroom) OKAY!

Jeff: Thank you.

Max: (still yelling from in the bathroom) TURNED OFF THE WATER! (pause) FARTED!

on the therapist couch...

Max: (curious) I want you to tell me about your mother.

Me: My mother is Oma
Max: (smacks teeth) Tell me about your mother. So, (hand on chin) what did she do?

Things that are True

Max: Dad, you are definitely not Andrew. You are definitely my dad!

The way the world works.

Me: Max, we have to go home, its getting dark.

Max: Why is it dark?

Me: (exhausted) because Max...

Max: (explaining it to me) It's dark because the sun is on the other side of the Earth.

Me: (blank stare)

Well done mom.

I swear this was in context....

Me: ... and cars drive on the road

Max: (matter of fact) Yeah, they do. That's a very good observation.

Contritered

In the car...

"Mom, you need to be contritered"

"I do"

"Yes, do you know what contritered means?"

"Contritered? No, what does it mean?"

"Contritered means that you have to be nice to people"

"Oh... Okay, good lesson Max"

... 10 minutes later I realize the word is "considerate"

How to treat a cat.

Max walked in to the bathroom while I was taking a shower.

"Mom, I was using the cat as a brush for my knee and he bit me."
"He bit you?"
"Yeah, and there are hairs all over the place"
"Maybe you shouldn't use the cat as a brush anymore"
"Okay, whatever"

Dinner guests.

Two lovely young women came knocking on the door asking for "points" for College. Poor things.
Anyway, Max was happy to introduce himself. After the introductions he lets them know that we have made pizza for daddy.

Young woman, clearly pregnant: Oh wow! Did you leave some for me?
Max: Yes, I made it for daddy but you can have some.
young woman 2: You knew we were coming!
Max: yeah! (large gesture) COME ON IN!!

He was heartbroken that they couldn't stay for pizza. Couldn't give them "points" for college... but at least we offered dinner.

Don't cry over spilt coffee

Max to me after I spilled coffee on the counter:
"Shame on you for spilling the coffee! Shame on you! ... But we can still be friends"