How to treat a cat.

Max walked in to the bathroom while I was taking a shower.

"Mom, I was using the cat as a brush for my knee and he bit me."
"He bit you?"
"Yeah, and there are hairs all over the place"
"Maybe you shouldn't use the cat as a brush anymore"
"Okay, whatever"

Dinner guests.

Two lovely young women came knocking on the door asking for "points" for College. Poor things.
Anyway, Max was happy to introduce himself. After the introductions he lets them know that we have made pizza for daddy.

Young woman, clearly pregnant: Oh wow! Did you leave some for me?
Max: Yes, I made it for daddy but you can have some.
young woman 2: You knew we were coming!
Max: yeah! (large gesture) COME ON IN!!

He was heartbroken that they couldn't stay for pizza. Couldn't give them "points" for college... but at least we offered dinner.

Don't cry over spilt coffee

Max to me after I spilled coffee on the counter:
"Shame on you for spilling the coffee! Shame on you! ... But we can still be friends"